I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
