I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
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