Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just found puke in my bra..
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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