Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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