Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
