i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
