The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
