lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
