Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
