It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
