I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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