Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
