If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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