I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
