Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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