My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
