She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
