I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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