check it out our google latitudes are spooning
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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