Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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