I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You are the jesus of drinking
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
