She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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