The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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