You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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