I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
