What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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