If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
