Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
