I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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