ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
