i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
