No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
