I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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