the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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