I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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