How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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