you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
