Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I think people are normalizing furries
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
