So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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