I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
