Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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