so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
