I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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