All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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