I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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