at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
