Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
