Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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