Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
