saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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