We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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