please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
