she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
