the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
