My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
