I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
