By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
