I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
